It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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