You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
