you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Randomize
