I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
