My Higher Power is John Stamos
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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