Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you would pick up someone in the library
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
