went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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