It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
