Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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