Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
