Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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