Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
