I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
