On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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