i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
