First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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