I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
