I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
