Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
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No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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