It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
