I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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