Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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