mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
