Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize