She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
