He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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