Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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