I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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