she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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