My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
