don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
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