Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
