Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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