She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
