I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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