I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
