how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?