but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
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We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?