he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life