Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me