I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
