Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My cat gives me a boner
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
