i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
