i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
