i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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