God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
