he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Ketchup is God's man juice
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
