ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
