Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.