evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
