first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
