I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
