Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
