so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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