Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Is Oprah even human
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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