My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize