I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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