I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
operation have a gay friend backfired
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
