All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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