I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
