I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
