What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
