Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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