I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
